When Should You Take Out a Long-Handled Spoon?
Updated: 4 days ago
On how to deal with people who often drain your energy
By Yolande Clark-Jackson
I never thought I would be the kind of person to walk away from a friendship. I would simply change the relationship, adjust the level of contact. Take out a long handled spoon.
There are many people who have limited resources to draw from in their lives, so they unconsciously attempt to fill their social and emotional needs through you or from wherever possible. Sometimes they exhaust you in an attempt to fill the gaps that would make them feel validated, loved, and supported. It's not a bad thing that they want these things, but if they don't find constructive ways to find self-acceptance and inner balance, they become overbearing and run people away. Sound familiar?
Sometimes you can't or don't want to cut these people off, but for the sake of your own inner balance and peace of mind, you can't commit to being a reliable source for them to draw from. You are not responsible for fulfilling their various needs. It's not your job to fill the gaps.
Before I knew this fully, I tried. Then I realized, it would never be enough.
A Long-Handled Spoon
With close family and friends that proved difficult to trust. My mother would remind us not to fully let our guard down. She would say, "Feed that one with a long-handled spoon."
Basically, beware.
For some it may be a sticky part of their personality that makes you feel it's not safe to get too close or share too much. Maybe it's jealousy, or a bit of self dissatisfaction with their own life that makes them feel thorny to you. It could be resentment that you hear in their voice. You try to puzzle out the what and the why. Then maybe you decide they can’t help it most of the time.
But that doesn’t mean you have to deal with it. You don't have to take it personally, but you can define your boundary.
How do you know when to use a long handled spoon?
READ THE WARNING SIGNS:
When you notice this person has a difficulty being honest.
When you notice this person loves drama and is always trying to draw you in one.
When you notice that they are seeking validation.
When you feel like you have to get prayed up before each interaction.
When you can't get a word in edgewise because they can talk but can't listen.
When they get mad when you don't agree with them.
When you feel that no matter what you do, it will never be enough.
When you can feel them listening to collect information, judge, or diagnose instead of to connect.
When the energy that follows a phone conversation unsettles you for days, and you can't explain why.
If more than one of these things show up consistently within a relationship you have, take out your long handled spoon, and give them what you can from a distance.
It May Pass
We all go through different stages in life or hit a rough patch where we are difficult to be around. A person could be grieving or having a hard time at work or in another significant relationship. It could be they are seeing a change in you that they don't like, and don't know how to talk about it.
It might settle with time and an honest conversation. I don't believe in avoiding conflict or friction that naturally arises with disagreement. We learn about ourselves through others and can grow from discomfort.
Lead with love, lean in with compassion, but don't let them draw you into their pattern. Hurt people can hurt others even when that may not be their goal. Protect your energy. Know when to be still and when to walk away.
Walk Away
Sometimes there isn't a spoon long enough or mountain high enough. Unfortunately, in some cases, you may have to walk away from the relationship. I have had to do this too.
It's not my favorite.
